@BarryVonAwesome

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

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@daemonic3

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

@RoastedPapad

*Buys new iPhone*
*Crosses road tweeting about it*
*Accident*
*Dies*
*Makes entry in heaven* –
Sent via iPhone.

@PJTLynch

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

@HomeProbably

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

@ninetek

I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”

@xosm

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

@LittleMissAngr1

I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.

@DJwhoknew888

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

@Mr_Kapowski

This girl kept on winking at me while pantomiming brushing her teeth

Cool. You don’t need my permission. Go do it, weirdo.

@Book_Krazy

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.