@BarryVonAwesome

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

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@somelightcrying

Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you’re like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now

@BrettDruck

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

@OctopusCaveman

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

@junejuly12

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

@spark_asis

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

@ThugRaccoons

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

@JimmerThatisAll

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

@WilliamRodgers

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???