“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
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*Buys new iPhone*
*Crosses road tweeting about it*
*Makes entry in heaven* –
Sent via iPhone.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
This girl kept on winking at me while pantomiming brushing her teeth
Cool. You don’t need my permission. Go do it, weirdo.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.