BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
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ME: I’ll sleep on it.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok.
ME: So wrap it up. I’d like to sleep on it tonight.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the… ok.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest you buy a smaller bra
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
“911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases