“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
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Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie