5: Mommy can we pee in the pool?
Neighbors kid: Why?
M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they’ll eat and kill you.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”
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To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too
Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
[entire audience starts laughig]
[audience laughs louder]
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.