@ibid78

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
*sighs*
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”

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@bgirl314

5: Mommy can we pee in the pool?
M: NO!
Neighbors kid: Why?
M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they’ll eat and kill you.

@Phoebetate

To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.

@squirrel74wkgn

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

@Darlainky

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

@SadieSkyNinja

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

@anne_theriault

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

@lovemydogduck

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

@jonnysun

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

@TheWeirdWorld

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.