@ibid78

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
*sighs*
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”

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@marcmack

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

@TheBosha

Israel is like STOP TOUCHING ME and Palestine is like YOU’RE TOUCHING ME and Hillary is like I WILL PULL THIS CAR OVER.

@iwearaonesie

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

@TheBoydP

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

@kibblesmith

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

@Ygrene

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

@sageboggs

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

@Kvy_kv

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

@GorillaNipples1

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.