Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
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That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
🤣dope
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”