Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
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3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
How it started: How it’s going:
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.