“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
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Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids