@mrtruthandsoul

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

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@louise_vuitton

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

@bourgeoisalien

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

@Izianikapani

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

@MelvinofYork

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

@truegritrumble

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

@allisonkilkenny

A horror movie short about a woman who is trying to work in a cafe and she slowly realizes the staff is setting up the room for an open mic

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Hurry up kid. We’re gonna be late for school

6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*

@nachdermas

if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming

@TwinSurvivalist

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.