The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
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*first day as a conductor
*the orchestra is confused
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
A horror movie short about a woman who is trying to work in a cafe and she slowly realizes the staff is setting up the room for an open mic
Me: Hurry up kid. We’re gonna be late for school
6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*
if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.