*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
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Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.