Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
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“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Come back with a warrant
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
it’s the silliest best thing
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
DOOO EEEET
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.