@AmishPornStar1

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

@TheAlexNevil

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

@EasilyTempted

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

@fightforfood

Has anyone tried watering old people? Maybe they just need to be watered.

@Marcmywords2

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

@withanewname

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

@chryztl

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.