Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
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“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
The French cow says MEUX…
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?