Stretching before working out is for wussies could someone please call 911?
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
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Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Has anyone tried watering old people? Maybe they just need to be watered.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.
Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.