@AmishPornStar1

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

- @AmishPornStar1

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@Jake_Vig

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

@DrakeGatsby

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

@pilau

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

@autocorrects

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

@Book_Krazy

ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he’s dating someone half his age?
HUB: Yep. He’s livin the dream
ME:
HUB: His dream not mine

@dalykyle

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

@psybermonkey

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

@squidslippers

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

@RunOldMan

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.