Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
This is me 🤣🤣
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?