“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
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I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Me, flirting😏
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
happy friday
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
damn he’s good
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”