*boss walks in
Me: I lost my contact
Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk?
Me: Shut the door when you leave
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
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My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Me: Top desk drawer.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Your secret is safeish with me
Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.