do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
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Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.