do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
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they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*