“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
You Might Also Like
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*