My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
to cause mass hysteria at a wedding, slowley turn the volum down when the “shout” song says “a litle bit louder now, a litle bit louder now”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.