“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

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My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.


angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel


to cause mass hysteria at a wedding, slowley turn the volum down when the “shout” song says “a litle bit louder now, a litle bit louder now”


I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.


25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.


I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.


Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words


[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.


DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.


Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.