Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
The honesty is refreshing
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”