Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
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See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
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“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet