@tropicalenvy

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

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@briangaar

“Congratulations, the baby’s got green overalls!” Peach sobs. Mario flies into a rage.

@HallowedCrow

DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I’M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.

@stephenjmolloy

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

@girlontapas

Marriage: a state of constantly fluctuating between harmony and homicide.

@seamusmckracken

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

@AndyAsAdjective

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.

@Nickadoo

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

@JodingersCat

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one