“Congratulations, the baby’s got green overalls!” Peach sobs. Mario flies into a rage.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
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DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I’M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Marriage: a state of constantly fluctuating between harmony and homicide.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one