Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
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Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
congratulations to them
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Botany good plants lately?