@teenpuke: do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify
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@stewnami: She kept yelling "Choke!, Choke!" to me during sex. So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
@garrettn: Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you're on a diet.
@jctwritesstuff: My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?