@teenpuke

do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify

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@Sean_Burgundy_

[ Skydiving ]

Instructor: SIR. You can’t just jump out without your equipment on

Me: *Shows him text of gf saying “We need to talk”

@pleatedjeans

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

@TragicAllyHere

You don’t see enough ditches these days. If I want to pass out in a ditch I have to google “ditches near me” and look for one with good reviews and it’s a whole thing

@Eric_Bader

Isn’t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don’t know what ironic means.

@SirEviscerate

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

@gorrdano

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

@redherringbear

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

@TattleTSister

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.