Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
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[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team