[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
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I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore