@DaddyJew

“Do you remember that time we-“

Let me stop you right there, no.

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@RideSallyRide69

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

@AlanFelyk

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

@kelllicopter

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

@dshack8

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

@horselythighs

Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic

@not_thenanny

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

@3sunzzz

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

@jawbroken

November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone

@TheAndrewNadeau

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.