“Do you remember that time we-“

Let me stop you right there, no.

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The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t


In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.


when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok


Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.


Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic


My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.


M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.



November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone


GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.