Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
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If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
i hate small talk. i wanna talk about aliens, the 16 digits on your credit card, the 3 numbers on the back, and the expiration date
Wow…trying to wrap my mouth around this bratwurst reminds me of my first high school boyfriend.
He hated bratwurst.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Been coughing all day. Can’t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert