Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
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My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
This bar smells like my childhood.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.