Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
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Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt