Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
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Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?