Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

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Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…


Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”


This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.


I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.


Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.


Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.


I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it


Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!