@darinlovesbacon

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

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@withanewname

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

@ArfMeasures

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

@thatUPSdude

Me: I need to go

Tequila: No stay, have a couple more

Me: I need to go to bed

Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you

@lcspt

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

@TheHyyyype

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

@lifeattiffanys

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

@david8hughes

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

@Gupton68

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.