Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
You Might Also Like
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
This forever.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work