Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
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Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Me: I need to go
Tequila: No stay, have a couple more
Me: I need to go to bed
Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.