Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
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When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I hope Alan is OK
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I occasionally drink every single night.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume