@NoahJWatkins

“Do you smell the updoc?”, I say to my pet bunny. My bunny replies with silence. I know that someday he will say it and I am willing to wait

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@MikeCanRant

Black guy just told me “Stay up playa” but didnt say until what time and I usually go to bed around 11 so not sure what to do now.

@weinerdog4life

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

@NrouteHQ

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

@kumailn

What a weird thing that a Presidential candidate is like “I tried to stab my friend” & his opponents are like “no you didn’t.”

@JoParkerBear

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

@MumInBits

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

@JimmerThatisAll

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist