911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
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{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator