Do you smoke? Smokers: “Yes.” Non-Smokers: “Never have, never will.” Stoners: “Smoke what?”

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The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.


If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox


before guns were invented, armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit out until the next war


I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.


If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.


MOVIE GUY: I’m not giving up. I’m going to win her affections no matter what!
WORLD: This is romantic and not troubling


Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.


When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?


I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.