@PersianCeltic

Do you smoke? Smokers: “Yes.” Non-Smokers: “Never have, never will.” Stoners: “Smoke what?”

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@mydaughtersarmy

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

@briangaar

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

@hippieswordfish

before guns were invented, armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit out until the next war

@HomeWithPeanut

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

@DothTheDoth

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

@InternetHippo

MOVIE GUY: I’m not giving up. I’m going to win her affections no matter what!
WORLD: This is romantic and not troubling

@VinnyPisciotta1

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

@YesImMatt

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.