Do you smoke? Smokers: “Yes.” Non-Smokers: “Never have, never will.” Stoners: “Smoke what?”

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{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!


Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?


Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.


You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”


Wife. I’m going to bed.

Me. Nooo! Don’t leave me alone with the fridge.


My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.


I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting.

What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?


You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?


By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl



May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“


“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“