@PersianCeltic

Do you smoke? Smokers: “Yes.” Non-Smokers: “Never have, never will.” Stoners: “Smoke what?”

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@AmericanGent69

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

@CaptainJerkwad

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

@PinkCamoTO

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

@UncleDuke1969

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

@garrettbarry70

Wife. I’m going to bed.

Me. Nooo! Don’t leave me alone with the fridge.

@LostFelicia

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

@beerfartchamp

I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting.

What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?

@xofreckles

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

@JonBaker

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

@mjkspeaks

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“