do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
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stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.