Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
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When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
🙁
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
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Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
#FunnyLife Insects
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant