why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
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i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE