“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
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Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Hey I worked for it too!
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.