Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
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I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
wish me luck lads
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi