Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
You Might Also Like
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*