[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
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VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it