@kristynhearts

Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?

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@fro_vo

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

@McFluffy537

The neighbors next door are very polite. Every night one family member gets to yell at everybody. They never yell at each other.

@duplicitron

I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I’m walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.

@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

@TheAlexP

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

@BlindChow

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

@HenpeckedHal

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

@mishakey

I SAW ON THE NEWS THAT SOME GUY IN ANOTHER STATE DIED ARE YOU OKAY – my mom