After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
This probably isn’t good
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*