do you think my parents divorced because I’m too handsome like they said

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[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.



Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.


Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.


I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.


Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?


My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.


A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above


Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people


Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.