@Karate_Horse

do you think my parents divorced because I’m too handsome like they said

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@XplodingUnicorn

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

@kelkulus

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

@LousyLibrarian

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

@withanewname

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

@bourgeoisalien

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

@BuckyIsotope

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

@DaddyJew

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

@Darlainky

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.