Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
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the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
My biological clock is wheezing.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place