Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind