Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
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[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Danger is very dangerous
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it