Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
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Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.