Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
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I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I am patiently waiting for your email
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up