Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
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On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
couldn’t resist
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
getting old is fun
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.