How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
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Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I feel seen
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday