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Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.