“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Good morning!
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me