Me: “I’m sorry your husband died in that boating accident in Venice”
Widow: “please no….
Me: “you have my gondolances”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
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I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Her: I’m pregnant
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”