@TheToddWilliams

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

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@WrongPandas

[at funeral]

Me: “I’m sorry your husband died in that boating accident in Venice”

Widow: “please no….

Me: “you have my gondolances”

@myonlymizztake

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

@Izianikapani

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

@Storminika

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

@Reverend_Scott

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

@HenpeckedHal

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

@Leslie_Annie

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

@aidanjsears

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

@Cheeseboy22

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”