“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

You Might Also Like


We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing…and if you can’t think of who, that friend is you.


Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.


It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.


I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.


Idea: ATM that sends you encouraging messages like “You Can Do it” or “Ramen Noodles Aren’t So Bad” when you check your sad Account Balance


My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.


Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two


chef: [yelling] I NEED LETTUCE

assistant: [from walk-in fridge] ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?

other chef (that survived the Titanic): oh no not again