“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

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I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.


We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.


Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received.



watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome


Driving isn’t about making the moves you want, it’s about preventing others from making the moves they want.


Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”


My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something


Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire