You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
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Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
A million dollar idea: Diapers for birds.
Lube but for my dry humor.
My favourite gymnastics move is the double cheeseburger.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?