@cellapaz
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
@Humor_Fetish
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
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@cellapaz
@LlamaInaTux
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
@ArfMeasures
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
@GrantTanaka
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
@Thedudish
A million dollar idea: Diapers for birds.
@ImMelanieGibson
Lube but for my dry humor.
@salamingia
My favourite gymnastics move is the double cheeseburger.
@DothTheDoth
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
@loribuckmajor
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
@Skoog
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?