@Humor_Fetish

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

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@stephenjmolloy

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

@rolldiggity

INTERVIEWER: “How would you describe yourself?”
ME: “Verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance.”

@KentWGraham

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

@Rohit_And_Run

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

@kibblesmith

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

@Dutch_50

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

@RamblingMachine

The worst part of having to kiss someone is when the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.

@MariyaAlexander

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

@InternetHippo

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

@AzureDoo

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.