@Humor_Fetish

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

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@Dawn_M_

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

@Henry_3000

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

@TheMichaelRock

Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received.

Beep.

@IamEnidColeslaw

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

@thesulk

Driving isn’t about making the moves you want, it’s about preventing others from making the moves they want.

@goldengateblond

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

@runner_mom2

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

@ScottLinnen

Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire