“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
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13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro