@Epygma

“Do you want to go out on a date?”
*sweats nervously*
I C-CAN’T
“Why?”
*shoots friend next to him*
I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND’S FUNERAL

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@Huntermoore

Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face

@GuyBreakup

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

@VisionBored1

My son told me that my belly was like the jellyfish in Finding Nemo and demonstrated by bouncing a toy car on it while saying boing boing so I told him the Easter Bunny isn’t real

@robin_991

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

@brianbowman73

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

@twylaredsun

Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.

@KeetPotato

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

@theaaronone

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

@TheReaIRobG

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.