Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face
“Do you want to go out on a date?”
*shoots friend next to him*
I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND’S FUNERAL
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A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
My son told me that my belly was like the jellyfish in Finding Nemo and demonstrated by bouncing a toy car on it while saying boing boing so I told him the Easter Bunny isn’t real
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
rudolph: sing the song keith
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.