“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
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Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Has science gone too far?
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.