Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
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Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Bread puns are on the rise!
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.